The Meaningful Connections
The Supply Chain of a Demanding Leadership Life
"A high number of connections and few people of support." This phrase has deeply resonated with me.
The seaside is more than just a retreat—it's a "bucket filler" where I renew my energy and find fresh perspectives. During a mid-year gathering on the shores of Málaga, Spain, I spent one of the most insightful hours of 2024 reflecting on my inner state. The phrase took hold there: "A high number of connections and few people of support."
As leaders, we are constantly in contact with others. Especially in my line of work, the sheer number of connections across continents can be overwhelming, often leading to exhaustion, burnout, and even various health-related issues.
In her book Strong Like Water, therapist Aundi Kolber suggests that it isn't the quantity or difficulty of our tasks that drains us; instead, it's the quality of our connections that makes the difference.
It's Not the Hardships
Leadership is a demanding responsibility charged with guiding and inspiring others. This weight often makes it challenging to form meaningful connections. Yet, these connections help us bear the load, providing relief and comfort, much like a supply chain in a battle.
Consider the supply chain analogy: In a battle, supplies must flow seamlessly to the front lines to ensure the soldiers' survival and effectiveness. In leadership, our "supply chain" might consist of trusted advisors, mentors, colleagues, or spouses. Like in war, the right support system can mean the difference between thriving and barely surviving.
“It’s not the hardships that make leadership challenging; the lack of meaningful connections makes the load heavier.”
#ToLeadWell.com
These connections don't happen by chance—they require intentionality, effort, and, dare I say, even grace—an undeserved favor from God. Intentionality means actively seeking out and nurturing these connections; effort means investing time and energy into them; and grace means being open to the unexpected ways they can enrich our lives. The value these relationships bring to our leadership journey is immeasurable.
The Strength in Vulnerability
In many cultures, vulnerability in leadership is often seen as a weakness. However, it is a profound strength that can inspire and encourage others, empowering them to face their own challenges.
For many leaders, being open with another person isn't easy. We often prefer to discuss plans, growth, projects, and big visions rather than our personal struggles. This reluctance may stem from past experiences, unresolved trauma, cultural norms, or even personality traits. The challenge is often compounded by the fear of appearing less competent or authoritative.
Take, for example, a leader who has faced significant setbacks. By sharing these experiences with their team, they demonstrate resilience and humanity, which can foster trust and deeper connections. Vulnerability does not diminish authority; it enhances it by showing that the leader is relatable and real.
“While we may woo others with our strengths, we genuinely connect through our vulnerabilities.”
#ToLeadWell.com
A Caveat: Not All Helpers Help
While it's crucial to have support, we must be cautious about who we allow to play significant roles in our lives. Some may offer help and support, but their involvement could cause more stress than relief. Relationships that develop naturally over time and are based on mutual volunteering are often the most valuable. Quick fixes rarely lead to meaningful connections.
For instance, I’ve encountered individuals who initially seemed like great supporters but later added more complications to my life. These experiences taught me to prioritize quality over quantity in relationships. Even if a few connections are disappointing, it’s important not to let those experiences discourage pursuing new, meaningful relationships.
“I continue to pursue these connections, knowing that not all will last, but the stakes are too high not to invest in them.”
A Listening Ear
The safest person to talk to is my wife of 18 years. We only reached this level of openness in the last few years, which corresponded to the most challenging times. Multiple transitions—across countries and roles—tested our professional and personal lives.
At one of our favorite beach spots this past summer, my friend Visi asked me, "How are you doing?" He was genuinely interested in the answer. This interaction and several morning coffees didn’t solve my work or life challenges. However, it made me feel seen—not just for my responsibilities but for my humanity.
Moments like this, a phone call with my other friend Geni to gain a different perspective, or a Zoom meeting with my mentor John to seek advice all serve as rich, meaningful connections that help me manage the challenges of leadership.
Be A Safe Friend to Others
Recently, I asked a successful entrepreneur the same question, "How are you doing?" and genuinely listened as he shared. He told me it was the most fulfilling conversation he'd had in a long time.
Whether you are the giver or receiver of the "gift of listening," these moments have a kind of magic. Both parties become more in touch with their inner selves and are more ready to tackle leadership challenges from a grounded posture.
We all need this retreat space often. We must cultivate relationships that allow us to be seen for our humanity.
Reflection Time
What strategies do you use to identify and nurture meaningful connections in your personal and professional life?
How do you balance the need for vulnerability with the responsibilities of leadership? Are there specific practices that help you open up while maintaining authority?
How do you discern which relationships to invest deeply in, and how do you handle the disappointment when a connection you thought was meaningful turns out not to be?
In leadership, it’s not just about the number of connections we have but the depth of those connections. Meaningful relationships sustain us, guide us through challenges, and help us thrive.
Until next month, I encourage you to lead with purpose and compassion.
In recent years, I've struggled with deciding which relationships are truly worth investing in, largely due to a deep-rooted fear of disappointment. Despite this challenge, I've come to believe that vulnerability is not just the best approach but the only meaningful one. It's very difficult, but I have faith that as I grow in embracing vulnerability, the grip of fear on my life will gradually loosen.
Disappointment is a true reality. But as I said is too much at stake if we don’t reach out. Thanks for your comment and vulnerability Xhulio.